Wednesday, March 29, 2006

the week before exams..

It's been a while since the last post...and it seems like ages. The past week has been one of those that refuse to get over if u hate work (u shudnt be reading this if u dont)...and then whooshes by when u've realised it's too late to get any studies done.

There's been some stuff that's kept me awake thru the night for 5 successive days the past week. One includes some craaazy binge drinking and why u shouldnt do it in a shady bar with thug types at the next table, another night was all about this girl the other side of the world...:) , another was all about Knopfler and back to back movies. It's over now...sigh

I have 7 papers hitting me in 4 days, from next Monday. Most of this running week went in making this proposed course structure (syllabus, courses, electives..bla bla) for the future batches...in order to make this college more in tune with the times. Also assignments and tests that these profs keep just for the last week, so that they cud go home and get off to whatever they find amusing about it. Now its the inertia that hits a terminal slacker when he realises that he's got to study, but doesnt have it in his system to put in the 15 hour day he hoped he could.

Then there's the summer project after the exams. Two more months of blech in some arbit company in an arbit city. There would be more girls there...(* looks heavenward for hope).

But there is also this sweet lazy weekend in Pune between exams and project. So few hours..so much of lazing to do...aaaargh. Ashish shud finish off his thesis too by then...so we've got some maajor future steam to blow. That Barman's Pitcher at Apache's can only stay away this long.

Dunno when I'd be posting next...or where from. Nor do I now get the point of this current post. What the hell...I want beer.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Girls I Dig – 2

It took this massive fight against my work ethic to get this post going…I’m supposed to be working on this moronic group assignment for this megamoronic prof, and I kept telling myself I cannot blog till it’s done. I am yet to start work. Who am I fooling.

I cant believe I actually like blogging now…it was supposed to be this vent for all the negative shit in my head...like some dark mental cave I visit when I need to unload and all. Turns out there isn’t that much shit to trip about. This has suddenly turned into this place where I put up my reactions to life or thought processes and study what I wrote….this morbid fascination for watching myself cope with whatever.

Arbit bile at 3.45 am. I should shut down and hit the sack.

It takes me a little while to admit this, but I like Norah Jones. It’s the photo on her album cover. It’s that voice. It’s those dark captivating eyes and that Audrey Hepburn feminity she exudes. She doesn’t need the come hither pout, or the nipple slippages. I mean sure…I’m in the market for those too, but u can’t fall in love with them. You wouldn’t take ur guitar to their balconies and belt out some corny number for them. You wouldn’t care to agonise over what to gift them. You wouldn’t think of restarting your habit of bad poetry, or exercising, or…God, the list is endless.

I cant quite explain this….u’d have to go through it yourself.

Have a long day. At the fag end, when u’re done with your quota of waking hours. Done with college, the TV, the book u were reading, the assignment u never did, the blog u just posted, the intermittent depression…all of it. You’re slumped in your chair, staring at the laptop, thinking of nothing. Make sure u have a beauty of a speaker system. Then play “Come away with me” by N. Jones.

There’s always this mental pic of her slipping into my covers and crooning this song in my ear. It’s nothing sexual….but God, does the chest start aching.

P.S I've been trying to load her pic since the past half hour...either I'm dimwitted, or the google techies are. Drop me a line if u want it. It's a 2.7 Mb pic, though.

Currently listening

Duh. Go read the post again.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Girls i dig -1

The net’s down. So are all network applications hosted by the server upstairs, so all we’ve got is IPMsg, this little chat software that is the lifeblood of the campus. But Hostel 3 & 4 are cut off from Hostels 1,2 and 5 on the network, (and in many ways…real life too); so it’s just the 40 (approx) of us having to do with each other’s company. I’m writing this post in Word now on Saturday, March 18. Hope to post it when I can.

I’ve fallen in love with Elizabeth Bennett of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Atleast Keira Knightley’s portrayal of her. An exceptional movie, amazing music, some really good dialogue and some breathtaking visual imagery. Maybe it’s her wit…maybe her firebrand pride, or it might be her loneliness in the 2nd half of the movie . Her looks helped too.

Or maybe it’s Mr Darcy….there are so many bloody parallels I could draw between him and me, I just had to fall in love with his girl. We’re both socially awkward with strangers, we’d prefer not to dance if given the choice, we both act insufferably sophisticated and stoic (only difference there being that he’s rich enough to be genuinely sophisticated….I’m just this broke, pompous little fart). There’s this scene where he bursts into her room at her cousins cottage…and has no idea what to say. So they stand across each other…his panicky attempts to not screw up causing him to fumble even more, while her bewilderment rises with each sec. Until he rushes back out

Yeah, my man….been there, done that. Way too many times.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Haan, so that thing about me spending too much time on the Net....let's not tell ourselves it's a bad thing. Not when we find stuff like this

You Are Heineken
You appreciate a good beer, but you're not a snob about it.You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk.Overall, you're a friendly drunk who's likely to buy a whole round for your friends... many times.Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.


Currently listening
It's Ok - Pearl Jam

Monday, March 13, 2006

Missable

Have been struggling of late with the insipidity that my life is….once this routine of too much time, too few people and too less work sets in, it gets hard to find newer kicks. I watch a movie a day, listen to music for bout 10 hours, browse the net wayy too much, play something outdoors when the mood sets in and have about 2 gb of unread ebooks.

Yet I find myself sleeping a lot more than I previously did, and a heck of a lot more bored.

I still haven’t found something interesting enough to study further and take up a job in. There hasn’t been any captivating extra curricular activity that I’ve immersed myself into. I still haven’t been infatuated by anyone. Ok, fine…I have, but I know I’m not interested enough to take it beyond the hi-bye stage. (In Dennis’ world….that is a relationship stage)

There was a time when I wanted this. When I consciously shirked away from anything or anyone I could get attached to…it was my way of dealing with some pretty abrupt loneliness and heartbreak during SYJC, Ruparel. The logic was, if u didn’t really like it / her...u wouldn’t care. I may not be the happiest in the world…but atleast I won’t jump off some terrace.

It’s been 7 years of this crappy life since…and yes, I know I was wrong.

But dude, how do u change a guy? A guy who has been hollowing himself out all this time…and then suddenly realizes he’s Frankenstein’s monster, and wants to turn human again. I’ve been hoping against hope, that there’d be some paradigm shift…that some angel wud come and find me and that I’d learn to love her. That I’d be knocked on placement day by an overpaying job I’m interested in doing. That I’d wake up some day and want to live my life.

Self pity isn’t too therapeutic either. Sonuvabitch

I did ask this girl out…about 3 weeks back. Realised since that the rejection was well on it’s way…I’d hardly known her. I still hardly do. What really bites is the fact that I wouldn’t have cared about the outcome, one way or the other.


Currently listening

By my side – INXS.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Leopold and the pitcher

Hit Leopolds last night after what look like ages now….Damn I missed that place. Pal of mine at the bank was taking up another job at Eserve…and I had yet to fulfill my promise of giving him the NITIE treat. So what if it’s a year late.

So I land up back at the bank…late again by an hour, and the whole place’s changed. They’ve outfitted video cameras, installed cabins…the employees have got prettier…sigh. Talked to my friends for a while before taking a cab with this dude and his gf…(one of my favoritest ppl in that place)

We order the pitcher and a Breezer, swap stories bout how stuff’s been, how life is at college, how uselessly single I am and all. And about 3 quarters into the pitcher…they break the news of their pending marriage to me.


(* Note to self : U grin a lo-ot when u hear good news after downing a pitcher. It’s this scary, goofy grin that halts conversation if the poor converser happened to look directly at ur sexy face. You also talk a lot more than u should. Actually…just stick to the goofy grinning.)

I get the whole lowdown…when he started chasing her, how she 1st shot him down…then how he clawed his way back, how he finally proposed….phew. It’s this rummy feeling one gets when 2 great people go head over heels about each other.


Dang. Wanted to hit on her when I’d gone to the bank. Inaction can pay off sometimes, see..

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

lost and found

I'd found this post about a month ago on a forum i keep frequenting. Took the words right out of my head...and put them down on paper in a way i never would be able to. I am posting this here for my archiving purposes than for ur reading pleasure...but be my guest and read on.
It's written by the guy who hosts the forum.

As some of you may know and some of you may not, for the past few months I've been comtemplating voluntarily ending my stint on earth. Here's why. And here's why I have not done it yet.

Why:

They say when you're at the bottom the world is wide open. That's the optimist's version. What they don't say is when you're in a hole, with the opening only a pinpoint above you, the world is no longer wide open but inexorably beyond reach.

When the future seems only a maze of deadends, when all seems futile, when one has nothing to look forward to, what is the point of living any longer?

I will be turning thirty three in two days, and I have to ask myself what I have learned in the thirty three years I've been alive. I've learned many things, but the most important things I've learned are these:

--Life is not unfair. It is plenty fair--as fair as it can be. There are some things which we have power over, and some things which we do not. What life is is uncaring. Life is apathetic. Life does not care what happens to you. Life is not concerned with your well-being. Life is disinterested. Life just is. Our existence is of no concern to life. How can it get any more fair?

--We are all born naked. We learn to hide behind clothing. Then we learn to hide behind lies. Then we learn to hide behind the accomplishments of others. Finally we learn to hide behind our convictions. Then we die alone.

--Most people would rather argue than be productive. People like to talk. They like to say things. They like to let everyone else know what they're thinking. But most talk is empty. Most talk is insincere and disingenuous. Most talk is bullshit. Actions, however, accomplish something--something tangible. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words. The only way to truly know people are through their actions, not their talk.

--Sartre said hell is other people. He was half right. Both heaven and hell are other people. I say life is other people. Life is people, period. There is no life outside other people. Therefore, I say a life without other people is no life at all. Obvious, you say? Think about life without people and you're just beginning to get a hint of a notion of a semblence of a taste of the abyss that is death. (NB: Those of you who would like to argue that hermits live alone, you all can read the previous paragraph; then you can sincerely go fuck yourselves.)

--Hold onto the beautiful things.


Why I have yet to do it:

I'm scared.

I'm tired--tired of hiding, tired of arguing, tired of people--but I want to hold onto the beautiful things. I want to hear the Chopin Ballades. I want to smell the baking cookies. I want to feel the soft caress of another. I want to see freshly fallen snow. I want to laugh. I want to learn. I want to live...but not like this.


"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies."—Nietzsche

He's still alive...very much so.

Currently listening

By the way - RHCP

Sunday, March 05, 2006

bliss is


Sunday morning..

sat on the laptop thru breakfast and lunch...if u remind me of those posts where i said i shud get off my ass...the door's that way. I'll deign to point u in it's general direction, but thats it.

chicken soup? double serving!!

It's 3 am...and it's been a helluva day. I've been so focussed on my own crap, had forgotten what's been happening to the rest of the world....now am just done with bout 4 different chats thru the night...and have to report them all

No names...the people concerned dont want that. Being a confidant is a pain...that way. Hope this is allowed

One of my best buddies landed a kickass job in a kickass firm. He's slogged his ass thru bloody snowy Buffalo, gone thru hell emotionally n with the weather, washed dishes, ate his own cooking and suffered 2 years of self doubt and loneliness. Now..he rules the world.
Dudo u rock.

Another longtime pal announced his engagement plans to me over the net....he's had his share of ladies...but unlike yours truly (who hasnt had any share), the dude kept rejecting them all in search of that one. And he found her about 2 years back. Then gave up drinking for her, fought his way thru more temptation, went thru 2 years of long distance relationship and some ups, some downs...and finally snagged her for good. Now landed himself a cushy consultancy job...and is the first to make marriage plans amongst all us loser prod engineer dudes. Meeting him tomorrow...i dont care if he stopped drinking...he owes me a pitcher.

Here's another buddy, even closer. Chased dozens of chicks in Agnels...with no success. But didnt stop trying. Found what looked like a crush in his MBA college...then 3 months later found himself with her on a Goa beach, talking.Thru the night. thru morning...break for shower n lunch...and then the walk n talk deal thru the evening. Kissed her sometime in between…and a little more.. the twosome have been walking on tiptoes ever since. It’s no crush, btw…
Want an easy giggle??...watch a previously self pronounced womanizer buddy of yours go moony-eyed while thinking about her. Count the number of smileys he puts in his yahoo chats….and listen to him trying to worm out of beer times u set up over the weekend.

The stories aren’t all happy ones, though

There’s that dude who’s having his heart kicked around by forces way beyond comprehension…the image that hits my head is that of this rugby ball being kicked far into the field...it lands hard, skids a bit…then skips sideways randomly, as decided by the grass, the wind, the ballspin…whatever. It’s still on the field…and as soon as it thinks it’s settled in a good spot, some 1 gives it another good whack.
It’s like Cupid poking at some poor bird in some cage when the bastard comes home drunk..Cupid, not the bird.

Then there’s the masses here. Thoreau’s quote on them leading lives of quiet desperation cant have a truer ring to it than those of us in campus here who’ve been lead my the marks we get, the girls our parents would choose, the jobs our college would land us in, the places our companies wud take us, the lifespan our bodies wud allow. Junta’s pretty cool abt this stuff…dunno why my panties get bunched up when dwelling on it. Knowing my head…they’d be bunched up even when I retire and am done with all of it.

But there’s hope…there are dudes who’ve got their lives going…who’ve fought it…they’re winning now, they may lose…they may win again. The rest of us who’re watching from the sidelines should learn to stop reading / writing shitty ass blogs and make a move in life.

Will ask another girl out. This time with a little more groundwork.


It's 5 am. What the fuck am i doing


Currently listening

Rape Me - Nirvana








Saturday, March 04, 2006

not fresh ground..

Nope...this isnt the 1st post on this blog...I'd started on this bout 2 months back..as some means of outletting( ? ) whatever comes to my head.
Then realised that my head's filled with senti crap u shudnt be made to read thru....seriously, if u meet those silent, sardonic types and u want them to open up...be bloody sure u dont really want them to.

I'll start off reaffirming stuff...my name's Dennis, 23 years old, i live in bombay, waddle thru life befuddled and frustrated, get easily drunk, (eagerly too)....and shud have already done a lot of things i havent moved a finger towards starting with. I've never had a girl, not been to goa, cant ride a bike, cant dance for nuts and I cant see beyond two feet

No idea bout what to write..none. Shud get off my ass n step out
If u thought this was going to be an extension of my lively, vivacious self...u poor bastard

Currently listening to
Needle in the hay by Elliott Smith (Good Will Hunting soundtrack)
nice...apt one