lost and found

I'd found this post about a month ago on a forum i keep frequenting. Took the words right out of my head...and put them down on paper in a way i never would be able to. I am posting this here for my archiving purposes than for ur reading pleasure...but be my guest and read on.
It's written by the guy who hosts the forum.

As some of you may know and some of you may not, for the past few months I've been comtemplating voluntarily ending my stint on earth. Here's why. And here's why I have not done it yet.

Why:

They say when you're at the bottom the world is wide open. That's the optimist's version. What they don't say is when you're in a hole, with the opening only a pinpoint above you, the world is no longer wide open but inexorably beyond reach.

When the future seems only a maze of deadends, when all seems futile, when one has nothing to look forward to, what is the point of living any longer?

I will be turning thirty three in two days, and I have to ask myself what I have learned in the thirty three years I've been alive. I've learned many things, but the most important things I've learned are these:

--Life is not unfair. It is plenty fair--as fair as it can be. There are some things which we have power over, and some things which we do not. What life is is uncaring. Life is apathetic. Life does not care what happens to you. Life is not concerned with your well-being. Life is disinterested. Life just is. Our existence is of no concern to life. How can it get any more fair?

--We are all born naked. We learn to hide behind clothing. Then we learn to hide behind lies. Then we learn to hide behind the accomplishments of others. Finally we learn to hide behind our convictions. Then we die alone.

--Most people would rather argue than be productive. People like to talk. They like to say things. They like to let everyone else know what they're thinking. But most talk is empty. Most talk is insincere and disingenuous. Most talk is bullshit. Actions, however, accomplish something--something tangible. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words. The only way to truly know people are through their actions, not their talk.

--Sartre said hell is other people. He was half right. Both heaven and hell are other people. I say life is other people. Life is people, period. There is no life outside other people. Therefore, I say a life without other people is no life at all. Obvious, you say? Think about life without people and you're just beginning to get a hint of a notion of a semblence of a taste of the abyss that is death. (NB: Those of you who would like to argue that hermits live alone, you all can read the previous paragraph; then you can sincerely go fuck yourselves.)

--Hold onto the beautiful things.


Why I have yet to do it:

I'm scared.

I'm tired--tired of hiding, tired of arguing, tired of people--but I want to hold onto the beautiful things. I want to hear the Chopin Ballades. I want to smell the baking cookies. I want to feel the soft caress of another. I want to see freshly fallen snow. I want to laugh. I want to learn. I want to live...but not like this.


"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies."—Nietzsche

He's still alive...very much so.

Currently listening

By the way - RHCP