Missable

Have been struggling of late with the insipidity that my life is….once this routine of too much time, too few people and too less work sets in, it gets hard to find newer kicks. I watch a movie a day, listen to music for bout 10 hours, browse the net wayy too much, play something outdoors when the mood sets in and have about 2 gb of unread ebooks.

Yet I find myself sleeping a lot more than I previously did, and a heck of a lot more bored.

I still haven’t found something interesting enough to study further and take up a job in. There hasn’t been any captivating extra curricular activity that I’ve immersed myself into. I still haven’t been infatuated by anyone. Ok, fine…I have, but I know I’m not interested enough to take it beyond the hi-bye stage. (In Dennis’ world….that is a relationship stage)

There was a time when I wanted this. When I consciously shirked away from anything or anyone I could get attached to…it was my way of dealing with some pretty abrupt loneliness and heartbreak during SYJC, Ruparel. The logic was, if u didn’t really like it / her...u wouldn’t care. I may not be the happiest in the world…but atleast I won’t jump off some terrace.

It’s been 7 years of this crappy life since…and yes, I know I was wrong.

But dude, how do u change a guy? A guy who has been hollowing himself out all this time…and then suddenly realizes he’s Frankenstein’s monster, and wants to turn human again. I’ve been hoping against hope, that there’d be some paradigm shift…that some angel wud come and find me and that I’d learn to love her. That I’d be knocked on placement day by an overpaying job I’m interested in doing. That I’d wake up some day and want to live my life.

Self pity isn’t too therapeutic either. Sonuvabitch

I did ask this girl out…about 3 weeks back. Realised since that the rejection was well on it’s way…I’d hardly known her. I still hardly do. What really bites is the fact that I wouldn’t have cared about the outcome, one way or the other.


Currently listening

By my side – INXS.